Still stressed. Still not king.

My heart is full from the genuine concern of friends who remind me that no one in this world actually knows what they’re doing. And I appreciate that they are trying to help, but I am also learning a laboratory environment, and I need to know exactly what I am doing.

I find myself following a cycle that involves studying until I can’t focus on it anymore, and then distracting myself with popular culture until my mind drifts back to my studies and anxiety compiles me to return to them. Sleeping is just another assignment recently.

And little by little the pieces are falling into place regarding what I’m supposedly doing around here, but the process is excruciating and has left me with little energy to organize the parts of my life that give me energy. Cyclical. So I’m worried now that I’m not going to grasp it all in time. The courses go in a schedule, and whether that schedule syncs up with my ability to grasp information is not ultimately the concern of the institution.

I’ve reached what I consider to be a maximum ratio of challenges to ambitions. I guess it’s good to know one’s limits.